The Gray Garden: Stay [eng]

She showed up on time. She just showed up at the right time and fixed everything. The Gray Garden was saved, and so was he. She did it, so why? Why was she here? Why was she floating in the dark at first, only to find herself kneeling in the ashes?

Why?

Etihw's breathing was heavy. God was barely gasping for air, almost fighting for each of tchem.

Something was wrong. She was sure, even if she didn't understand what was going on. So why…?

It's not true. I need…

Holding back a cry, Eti opened her eyes and sighed with relief. She was sitting in the throne room, her head resting on the table. When did she even close her eyes? Tilting his head, the god looked around. Everything was in darkness, and most importantly, Etihw could not see a single living soul. Of course, he wasn't here, but...

"It was... just a dream, wasn't it?" she whispered to herself. But Eti was unable to shake off the bad feeling. "I showed up on time."

Why did those words sound like a lie?

But at the same time… she was sure. Trying to calm down and control her thoughts, she tried to recall the last few hours. To be honest, Etihw didn't remember the last time she worked that hard. Even after the war, none of them weren't trying to fix up everything at once. And yet, after everything that has happened in the last few days…

So she healed Wodahs and Grora. And everybody else, who needed help to recover.

And, of course, took care of his most serious injuries. Not all of them, knowing that he wouldn't accept her help if he had a choice. Eti thought it was childish, but she wasn't going to argue. Not this time. But the most important thing was that he survived. Miraculously, and not only because of her, but still.

That's all my fault.

Oh, she knew that. She knew that very well. This thought haunted her mind all the time, whatever she did. And it hurt, but…

She sprang up from her place. Without thinking, she ran down the corridor and for a moment froze in the darkness. It was late, yes, but she had to make sure. Though the thought seemed irrational, she wanted to see for herself that everything was all right. That she made it on time.

Her hands started to shake. She clenched them into fists, but even then they continued to tremble. In fact, Eti was shaking all over, barely keeping upright. She felt tired, much more than ever before. It was… unnatural. The god knew that stillness could be dangerous, but this time it was more than that. Etihw felt as if at any moment might crumble and join the ashes in which she had just knelt.

Ashes… What ashes? There were none and…

"I made it. I made it, right? I'll fix everything when--"

Etihw leaned against the wall and slowly slid to the floor. She closed her eyes, still frantically convincing herself.

But no matter how many times she said those words, she still didn't believe them.

*

It was like a hunch – so strange and too strong to just ignore. Almost like the one time Kcalb was sure that she was in trouble. It seemed so stupid, and at first he told himself it was because of tiredness, but then...

He couldn't sleep anyway. That's why he ended up in a darkened corridor. Around was quiet, which was to be expected at that late hour. The castle was usually empty at night. After everything that had happened, that wasn’t anything surprising anymore. Etihw was probably in her room, directly across the hall from the devil's bedroom. He was willing to bet she would sleep until noon as usual, and…

Something moved in the darkness. Kcalb stopped, staring suspiciously ahead. After a while, he heard rapid breathing, and what sounded like... sobs?

What in the world--?

It was only a moment. He moved closer and in a hurry he got to the figure hidden in the darkness. The sobbing stopped, only to start again when Etihw recognized him.

"Eti, what the-"

She didn't let him finish. Her hands tightened on the front of his coat, and she cried even louder.

"I didn't-- No... but then... and I made it on time, but..."

It was difficult to understand individual words. Moreover, there was nothing normal about what was happening. Kcalb froze, automatically embracing the god and leaning back so as not to land with her on the floor. In shock, he forgot to blush, but in the darkness it would be barely noticed anyway. Oh, besides, his battered body from the fight with Ivlis wasn't thrilled with such abrupt movements, but that ceased to matter when he caught Etihw's gaze.

Her dark eyes stared at him intently, larger than usual and devoid of the cheerful twinkle he had seen, especially when she was trying to make fun of him. Contrary. This time, Eti's gaze was mostly desperation, and her eyes shone unhealthily. And she was shivering, not from the cold at all, especially since her body felt... suspiciously warm.

Okay, that was new. And Kcalb had absolutely no idea how to deal with it.

"What happened? Why are you...?" Then he thought of something and added, "Do you feel alright?"

"What do you mean?" she mumbled so softly as he could barely hear her.

It seemed like she was only holding herself up because he was holding her, and then he realized she wasn't even trying to levitate anymore.

Great. That's what they needed.

"Eti. Hey, look at me," he urged as she looked away. "Why are you sitting here? And why are you crying?"

"No reason," she muttered, but he didn't get hit enough to believe it.

Kcalb sighed. He tried to push Etihw away to get a better look at her, but she wouldn't let him. She was still clinging to his cloak, then buried her face in the devil's chest and finally relaxed. This time he blushed, but he didn't try to fight her. He carefully ran his hand through her hair, suddenly feeling like he was holding a child in his arms. She was so petite, it didn't even seem to be weird.

"It's okay," he heard her muffled whisper. "Everything is okay now."

Was she convincing herself or him? He couldn't tell. Kcalb knew that she was acting strangely. Besides, she looked bad, and that didn't happen often. The devil didn't think it was even possible for her.

"Whatever you say," he murmured. "Did you sleep at all?"

"I have things to do." She shuddered as if she had only just realized it, then tried to free herself from his embrace. "It's okay. I had a bad dream, that's all. Now I have to go."

"Where?"

"To the village. There's a lot of damage and I have to--"

"It's the middle of the night!" he grumbled. "Etihw, damn, you're exhausted. And you almost certainly have a fever."

She hesitated. She looked at him more consciously.

"I'm a god, in case you forgot. I'm fine."

"Yes, a fallen one at best. I just picked you up off the floor."

She snorted. There was something hysterical about her laugh that didn't suit her at all. And that was really starting to worry him.

"I'll take you to your room, shall I?" he offered, embracing her. "You still have time to play savior."

"But--"

He rolled his eyes.

"You know what? Okay. If you're strong enough, then go."

He loosened his grip, but only for a second, because a moment later he had to grab her again to keep her from falling. It might have been funny if her behavior hadn't made him uneasy.

This time he had no other choice, so he took her in his arms. She turned out to be light, too fragile. She didn't protest, just watched him through narrowed eyes.

"What?"

"Nothing." She hesitated for a moment. "You're blushing, you know?"

"Shut-- shut up."

Exceptionally, she did. He was relieved that she looked calmer, even though her cheeks were flushed. Nevertheless, she was still shivering, so he wrapped his cloak around her before making his way to god's bedroom.

Etihw's room was significantly different from his own. It was more spacious and bright, which was especially noticeable in the daylight. What's more, there was a bed in the center – a grand one, full of countless pillows. No wonder, she sometimes slept through the day.

Kcalb was sure Eti had fallen asleep before he even got to her room, but he was wrong. The devil understood this when she grabbed his arm as he barely put her down on the pillows.

"Stay."

The devil froze, surprised at her request. He thought he had misheard, but her look and the grip on his shoulder suggested otherwise. She really wanted it.

All right. Maybe it was for the best, since she was acting irrationally. Besides, his brother would resent him if he found his god unconscious by the stairs, if she ever reached them.

He wordlessly laid down next to her, avoiding looking Eti in the eye at all costs, especially when she snuggled into him like one of the pillows. Was the warmth he felt suddenly related to the fever she was suffering from, or was it…something else?

"Sorry."

He blinked.

"Hmm?"

"For... that. And for earlier. I was almost late."

"It doesn't matter."

Was she really bothered by it? Sure, Kcalb had a whole list of grievances and excuses he was going to share with her. Basically, it all boiled down to one thing: I told you so!

But he hadn't imagined the conversation that way. In fact, he doubted she would remember it. And blaming her for anything when she aroused his sympathy was the last thing he wanted.

Not that he could even concentrate on forming sentences with her clinging to him like that. At least she wasn't shivering anymore, but one thing was for sure – sneaking out to his room without waking her up wasn't an option.

"I should fix everything," she whispered sleepily. "I feel useless."

"You'll do it in your own time. You've done enough for now."

She did not exert herself in this way even after the war, when only rubble remained of the world they knew. And it was his fault. Why was she trying to finish herself off? If he hadn't fainted after he and Yosafire landed at the bottom of the cliff, he would have figured it out sooner, but it still didn't make sense to him.

Why?

But maybe he knew. She'd never told him outright, and Kcalb didn't take the thought for real, but yes, he knew.

It was the first time they could lose everything because of someone other than themselves as well as eachv other too. It was a strange thought, but... would Eti really be more resigned to losing this world than to his death?

It was stupid. So stupid, and yet...

Stay.

So he stayed, falling asleep other than in a coffin for the first time in a long time. He felt the closeness of the god snuggled up against him, and it was surprisingly appropriate. Much better than suffocating darkness.

And to his surprise, he thought he could get used to it.

*

The morning light woke her up. She blinked, confused at first when she found herself in her room. Rubbing her eyes, Etihw sat up, only then realizing that she had missed a lot more, considering she wasn't alone.

"Oh."

Yeah. The memory of the day before was hazy, but not so much that she forgot how completely she had fallen apart in the hallway. The mind-fog was gone, and the god was feeling much better, but that didn't change the main thing.

"You're not going anywhere", she heard and shuddered.

"That's the last thing I expected to hear from you in bed," she announced with an innocent smile.

She knew it would be enough to provoke Kcalb, but she didn't think her words would work so well. Even if he was still drowsy, he must have woken up after he jumped up and nearly fell out of bed.

"Don't even dare," he snapped as she opened her mouth, ready to add something. Then something in his gaze softened as he looked her up and down. "You look better."

"Yes. I guess so. Thank you."

"Ahm."

She wanted to say something, but wasn't sure where to start. Kcalb didn't look at her either, but she was used to it. He'd have surprised her if he'd done otherwise, like... Well, yesterday.

"You stayed."

He twitched. She saw the fresh blush that came to his face.

"W-well, yes. To make sure you don't do anything stupid."

"Indeed. It might have been stupid," she agreed after a moment's thought.

"You can't fix everything at once."

"I am aware of this."

"Fantastic."

But he still watched her suspiciously, especially when she decided to get up. In the end, he seemed to think Eti could handle it, especially since she was floating on her own, as if nothing had happened.

"Thank you," she said before he could leave. He stopped in the doorway. She knew he was confused. "Be careful not to run into Wodahs, or I'll have to explain to him that you didn't use me at all. Well, not like when--"

"I preferred how you were delirious at night."

"And what was last night?" she teased.

To her surprise, he didn't look pissed off.

"Probably nothing. Age just kicked you in."

Etihw laughed, not hiding her surprise.

"Oh, that was good! It's almost a sense of humor."

The door slammed in response. Eti giggled, then sighed and looked down.

So she made it on time.

And she was grateful for it.